Taki's: The Good, The Bad, The Creepy

Taki's, the last restaurant on the first block of Eat Colfax. Good bye 300's!  I don't think the eateries will ever be that densely packed, although we'll see what Pete has to say about that.  Six restaurants, the first 5 being decent, hard-working (if you could say that), and mostly appetizing restaurants. And then there was Taki's. 

You can't miss Taki's. At 341 E. Colfax, with the brightest, biggest awning on Colfax, perhaps in all of Denver, it occupies prime lunchtime restaurant territory. "Healthy Japanese Food" is what that canary colored billboard of signs advertises. Hmm. Then there's "Edamame --The Green Vegetable Soybeans" Who doesn't just love that sign? The best part of Taki's is what you see on the outside, reminding me you can't judge a restaurant by its signage. Which is really too bad, because if things don't change, these signs will surely be lost forever when Taki's patrons' tastebuds finally wake up from their stupor. I'll be at the auction to get the edamame sign. 

It's half full at 2pm on a rainy cold Wednesday, the last day of this year's legislative session. Are these guys getting some last minute tempura before heading back to their mountain retreats? The inside is typical Asian kitsch, which I mistake as a promising sign. Japanese artwork on the walls, a slitted curtain leading to the bathroom, scrolls with koi and angry Japanese gods with swords. The ubiquitous Asian food restaurant menu in pictures. A glass case with kombu and wasabi flavored dried peas and edamame. A digital fishtank. Yeah, a digital fishtank. It's smaller than my laptop screen and is hanging, illogically, distractingly, right above a fire extinguisher. So if there's a fire, make sure you determine if it's digital or not.  

I order the special of the day, a bento box, the perfect opportunity to try a variety of foods. Kristin gets the Chicken Yakisoba platter, which as far as I can tell is chicken and noodles. She loves her noodles. And 2 Saporos, which means the cash register girl, who is bedecked in Mardi Gras beads, has to come around from behind the counter and grab the bottles out of a mini fridge that is sitting next to the register, facing the customers. I also notice single serving sake in glass jars with spring top lids, oh that would have been better I think. Until, that is, she also grabs 2 glasses out of the case, chilled glasses not frosty mugs and these glasses look like they came from my grandparents house. Mine is octagonal. Have you ever drank from an octagonal glass? It is somehow easier to drink from, one side of the octagon fitting perfectly against my bottom lip, the liquid perhaps spreading out more in my mouth. Try it sometime. 

We wait for the food and drink our beers and give each knowing looks, because for some reason  we both know what is coming. We both know this will not be the edible highlight of our week. Why and how we know this is for these two reasons: Number one, because my only other experience here involved semi-cooked carrots and zucchini and white rice that was so bad I swore to never return; and number two, the fact that the opinions I heard of Taki's before coming here ranged from "I love that place" to a pitied look of disgust and a wince. Hearing both ends of the spectrum really say a lot about a place and the people that eat there and whether they know a damn thing about decent food. Out the meal comes, delivered by the only non-Asian in the house, an obsequiously friendly middle-aged guy, two heads taller than the rest of the staff, the manager no doubt. 

The first thing I notice is the mystery meat. Mystery meat! This is what I've been waiting for in this project, something I expected more of, the hesitation and worry that comes with knowing you're going to bite into something you'd really rather not. It's chicken Kristin says. Well, it looks like pieces of turkey thighs drenched in gravy from a tv dinner. In fact the bento box has a decidedly tv dinner look to it. I guess that's the point of the box, each food item separated into its own space, ostensibly to showcase how awesome each thing is on its own. The meat gets the 12 o'clock spot in the box, moving clockwise we have the gyozas. Hard-to-fuck-up and always the crowd-pleaser, these are limp and oily, slipping from my chopsticks like an anchovy. Down to the 4 o'clock position, the tempura. It was recommended to me to get the tempura. Two shrimp (god I hope they're not from the Gulf) are hiding within the tempura batter somewhere, oh there they are, the texture of shrimp unmistakable but utterly flavorless, then some of the aforementioned carrots and zucchini, and one broccoli floret. The sauce for the tempura appears to be the same gravy-like substance and has a distant flavor of soy sauce. Next, a dollop of wasabi. Ticking over to 7 o'clock is the salad. The salad is actually okay, the iceberg lettuce is crispy anyway. Shredded carrots and cucumber and zucchini again. I didn't know zucchini was so popular in Asian food. The ginger miso dressing is thick but tasty. Rounding out the clock is a california roll, 4 pieces of rice and Krab and seaweed that fell completely apart when I picked them up. Outside the box is a bowl of miso. Again, hard to fuck up, right? Well no it turns out. Lukewarm and tasting not of sea veggies but more like it came from a gigantic pot with fish heads floating in it. Fishy. After sampling everything I am full. Full. I let out a beer belch and I am still full. This is strange because my stomach really is connected to my eyes. I get full when the plate is empty, and then I can still usually eat more. 

Knowing now that a trip to the bathroom with the camera is essential on this project, I duck under the curtain (it's strangely ends at neck height). Well, it has a table and a lamp with upholstered lampshade and this lovely frame without any pictures in it. Creepy. 

Sayonara Taki's, my first negative review was more troublesome to write than I imagined. 

P.S. Since you've all been asking, there are 51 restaurants, give or take a couple. The perfect year-long project.